Icon Preview – President John Waters Revisited
Okay, for all of you who missed my prior preview of the Prince of Puke’s upcoming show – This Filthy World – at the Parker Playhouse this coming July 28th, I’ve invented a new way to peak your interest in John Waters: a Presidential Press Release. Here goes.
Newly elected President John Water’s speaking engagement at the Parker Playhouse is scheduled for this coming July 28th as part of his THIS FILTHY WORLD tour. President Waters’ historic election occurred after a giant solar flare disabled all electronic polling machines throughout the nation on election day, leaving only one single verbal ballot cast that morning. Sheik Sheik-it Sheik-it Baby, an ex-neo-Nazi Klansman from Planesville, Arkansas, and recent Muslim convert, was left a deaf and blind quadriplegic after opening a “Welcome To Mohammed” letter bomb sent by his old brotherhood. By Arkansas law, Mr. Sheik-it, as his friends call him, had to cast his presidential ballot verbally in front of state circuit court judge Willy “Breathalyzer” Thompson. Wobbly-Willy, as his drinking buddies call him, told reporters he clearly heard the wheelchair bound voter choose a write-in candidate by declaring, “I like Waters, so please give me John.” Afterwards, Mr. Sheik-it vehemently denied Wobbly-Willy’s claim, stating that he really said “I’d like to make water, so please get me to the john.” Unfortunately, Judge Thompson was unavailable for further comment, as upon leaving the court house that day he was pulled over for his third DUI in six months and is now being held in the local county jail on a three-time-loser charge with disbarment pending. By these unexpected circumstances, President John Waters’ entire administration marched into the White House on inauguration day brightly clad in Mana Serina cross-dressing couture.
Oddly, the Waters’ White House got off to a shaky start when upon reaching the Oval Office, the President opened a secret drawer in his desk and launched a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Mississippi and Alabama. Made aware of this aggression at his first press conference later that morning, the President declared, “You don’t say. Geez, I thought I was just hitting the button to turn off that damn Christmas tree on the White House lawn,” and then festively quipped, “Mississippi and Alabama, huh? Well, that’s okay, we don’t use them anyways.” Finding himself staring at a thoroughly aghast audience of reporters, the President quickly admonished, “Now don’t you worry, I’m sure they’re all fine and had plenty of time to get out of the way. After all, you do know that everything happens there fifty years later.” Reassured by the President’s insistent logic, the entire room quickly broke for lunch.
That same afternoon, President Water’s declared a brief, fifteen minute intermezzo of Federal Marshall Law to allow himself the opportunity to make a constitutionally binding decree. Titled the Presidential Kneel and Heal Act, Mr. Waters sentenced Newt Gingrich, Pastor Fred Phelps, Sr., and Rush Limbaugh to perform Death Of A Salesman in drag under the direction of Ru Paul (Ru, not Ron), pro-bono in homeless camps throughout the nation six nights per week while he remains in office. Asked why six nights instead of seven, President Waters demurred, “Well, a girl’s gotta have a chance to hit the Good-Will store once a week to update her costume, doesn’t she?”
Finally, while speaking at his inaugural ball that evening, the commander-in-chief announced his new military strategy for world peace. Earlier that day, Mr. Waters had ordered all U.S. armed forces personnel around the globe to seek out prior enemies and adversaries so as to engage them in a kiss-and-make-up campaign. Dubbed the Tongues-Forward approach, the President declared that this initiative would turn global feuding families into neighborly kissing cousins in no time.
Satisfied with his first day on the job, the president rose on day two and immediately hit the road in a caravan of vintage VW camper busses to awaken the nation with his THIS FILTHY WORLD tour. Marketed as a learn-as-you-burn revival, the President hopes to inspire the country and our people to new acts of filthiness. So come learn and burn this July 28th as John Waters presents THIS FILTHY WORLD at the Parker Playhouse in beautiful downtown Fort Lauderdale.
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