Welcome back dear readers to Episode Three of Diane Ward In Outer Space!
To read episodes 1 and 2, please go to:
Now for episode 3.
Oh horrors dear readers. In episode three of Diane Ward In Outer Space, we find our two musical explorers – Diane and David Bowie – being held captive in the great hall of the mighty Ugliamost, the evil dictator of planet Ugliama and sometimes stunt double for Jabba the Hutt. As this scene opens, we see our two heros with their hands tied in front of them, kneeling before the monstrously flabby ruler and an overflowing crowd of spectators.
“I have captured you two Earthlings who came here from your planet of pretentious, pretty people,” bellowed Ugliamost. “How dare you invade our territory surrounding planet Ugliama?”
“But we’re not invading your territory,” replied Diane. “David and I are simply looking for the Final Note I need to complete the song list for my Music Land show at Your Big Picture Café this coming March 7th, from 8pm to 11pm, and we heard you might have it?”
“No,” declared Ugliamost, “we raided the spacecraft Woodstock, but it wasn’t onboard. They had already left the Final Note with Buddha Blues before we got to them. By the way, you mean that café out in Davie?” inquired Ugliamost.
“Why, yes,” confirmed Diane as she made a mental note about Buddha Blues.
“Nice place,” Ugliamost said agreeably, “but of little importance in this matter, for I know you have come here to spy on us and learn about our evil plan to take over your planet.”
“No, honest, we’re not spies,” David said reassuringly. “We’re just looking for Diane’s Final Note. But now that you mention it, what evil plan?”
“Well, originally, when we heard you didn’t have the Final Note we thought that your planet would fall apart and become easy prey for us once you had to cancel your much anticipated show. But since we don’t have the Final Note, we came up with an even more evil plan to destroy Earth. By the way, you’re David Bowie, aren’t you,” Ugliamost said inquisitively.
“Why, yes, I am,” confirmed David.
“How’s that whole Spiders From Mars thing working out for you?” asked Ugliamost.
“It’s sort of run it’s course,” replied David somewhat disappointed. “Now I do union work for NASA filling in for Major Tom.”
“How sad,” stated Ugliamost. “Oh well, most good things with spiders do end too soon. As will your planet!”
“What do you mean?” Diane asked.
“We have been visiting Earth every four years now for the past century in an attempt to take over your pretentiously pretty planet, because we hate everything beautiful, like Diane’s music” explained Ugliamost. “So far none of our attempts have succeeded, but now we have developed a secret weapon that cannot fail.”
“Every four years?” David mused. “But I don’t remember any ugly invasions happening every four years.”
“What,” quipped Ugliamost, “ you never heard of the Republican National Convention?”
“Ahhhh,” Diane and David said in unison, heads nodding.
“We thought we had you with George Bush,” Ugliamost admitted, “but sadly he was too much of a pothead. How can you be a successful invader when your always standing in front of the fridge with the munchies? Now, however, we have created a weapon so ugly that you dumb, pretentious, pretty people actually think it’s beautiful and are totally captivated by it. Soon, it will take control of all Earthlings!”
“You mean Sarah Palin?” Diane pondered.
“No, silly,” Ugliamost corrected, flicking his wrist at her, “Justin Bieber!”
“Oh,” said David with sudden recognition, “so that’s how he got that 15 year, open-ended contract from Capitol Records.”
“Hey, an invaders gotta make a living, too, you know,” Ugliamost said defensivley.
“True, true,” Diane and David both agreed. Suddenly, David whispered something in Diane’s ear.
“So you like music?” asked David.
“Yes,” confirmed Ugliamost.
“Hey Ugliamost,” Diane quickly asked, “what do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?”
“I don’t know, what?” responded Ugliamost.
“The defendant ?” she answered as he began to chuckle.
“Hey Ugliamost,” David interjected, “what’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?”
“I don’t know, what?” said Ugliamost as he and everyone else in the great, evil hall tried to restrain their giggles.
“A bassoon burns longer,” said David as Ugliamost’s rubber-like blubber shook with laughter.
“Hey Ugliamost,” Diane shouted out, “ what’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?”
“I have no idea,” Ugliamost barely replied through tears and guffaws.
“No one ever cries when they chop up a banjo,” replied Diane as the evil dictator and everyone else in the great hall rolled on the floor in uncontrollable howls.
With this as their cue, Diane and David quickly untied the ropes that bound each other’s wrists and then, staying low to the ground, slipped out of the great hall, ran back to their spaceship and blasted back off into outer space.
Once a safe distance from the evil planet Ugliama, Diane asked David, “So, how did you know they’d like those old music gags?”
“Easy,” answered David, “they had to have a sense of humor. After all, everyone knows Justin Bieber’s music is a joke.”
“Ahh, good thinking,” Diane agreed.
“So where to now?” asked David.
“The Buddha Blues,” said Diane. “According to Ugliamost, that’s who has the Final Note.”
“Alright then,” David stated, “we’re off once more. Automatic pilot, set coordinates for Buddha….”
Preemptively, the automatic pilot turned off all the lights inside the Musical Missile as it hurtled off in search of Buddha Blues.
So yet again dear readers, stay tuned until next week’s final episode of (cue dramatic trumpet blasts – DAH DAH DAH DAAAHHH) Diane Ward in Outer Space!