In episode three of Valerie and Marie go to Washington, we witnessed our two national problem solvers follow the trail of clues which lead them into an ancient secret passage way down below our nation’s Capitol Building. There they discovered that our founding fathers not only loved their country, but each other as well. In addition, upon emerging from the passageway they have found themselves standing smack dab in the middle of where all our country’s woes originate. But what kind of strange and horrible place could this be? Let’s find out.
Val and Marie, upon emerging through the ancient wooden doorway have found themselves in the free republicans-only cafeteria located deep beneath our nation’s capitol. Quickly hiding themselves behind a large service cart, they can easily see everything that’s happening from one end of the cavernous room to the other. Directly across from them they see the main entry way where the guest elevator marked “Democrats and Independents Keep Out” continually unloads the newly descended hungry arrivals and then loads up satiated diners for the return trip back to ground level. As the doors to the just-arrived elevator slide open, Newt Gingrich steps out and as the musical duo watch in awe, two servants approach him and dutifully draw a hidden zipper from the top of his head backwards down the length of his torso. They then help the real Newt Gingrich step out of his rubber body suit.
“Will you look at that!” Val whispered as she gasped. “They’re all wearing body suits to hide how they really look.”
“Oh, it’s so dreadful,” replied Marie.
For as the apolitical private eyes quickly scanned the room, they realized that all of the republicans in the cafeteria had their heads most definitively and permanently stuck up their asses, and that they wore full length body suits outside of the cafeteria to hide their horrid condition. Our two ingenue investigators could barely watch as food laden rubber spoons were carefully inserted into head filled derrieres where anxious mouths presumably awaited.
“Oh, the poor devils, Val,” Marie moaned softly.
“But why, Marie?” Val asked. “They look so miserable.”
Carefully, they scanned the room for any clues as to what was going on when suddenly they saw a large sign hanging over the food line: “The Monsanto Complimentary Republicans-Only Cafeteria.”
“Now I get it, Marie,” declared Val. “I always knew republicans had their heads stuck up their asses, but these little demons have their heads permanently stuck up there because they’re so horribly constipated from all that free Monsanto GMO food they’ve been eating all these years.”
“So this is why everything in our nation is so screwed up, because they’re all backed up” Marie realized. “But how do we solve this, Val?”
“I’ll show you how,” Val proclaimed as she fished inside her Willy Nelson fan club, 100% hemp, smokable back pack and quickly produced the small box she had snuck onto the Music Maverick when she and Marie were preparing for their journey. Opening it slowly, she showed Marie what was inside.
“Oh my lordess,” gasped Marie. “Val is that what I think it is?”
“It sure is, Marie,” Val proudly stated, “the only known remaining copy of ‘Justin Bieber sings Pete Seeger’ and it’s guaranteed to knock the shit out of anyone. Marie, put in these jet pilot supersonic ear plugs and stand back.”
Quickly, Val pushed in her own ear plugs, pulled out her handy-dandy Beastie Boys limited edition JVC RC-M90 Boombox, slapped her rare, collector’s edition CD into it, hit play, and then she and Marie ducked for cover. Suddenly, ear shattering screeches filled the room as terrifying traditionals like “If I Had A Hammer, Oh, Baby, Baby” and “Where Have All The Showers Gone Cause You Don’t Smell So Good,” could be heard from one end of the cafeteria to the other.
As Val and Marie watched, republicans lay everywhere squirming helplessly on the floor when suddenly – just one or two at first and then with a rising crescendo – the deafening popcorn sound of head after head popping out of butts filled the dining hall. But something else quite unexpected began popping out as well. What was it?
“Geepers,” shouted Marie, “look at all that money that’s coming out of their butts along with their heads.”
“So that’s where they’ve been hiding all that stolen loot they’ve been swindling from the American public all these years,” Val exclaimed.
And sure enough, a few moments after the last pop was heard, all the republicans were huddled around Val and Marie thanking them for helping them to finally get their heads out of their asses. In fact, they were so grateful that they agreed to clean off all that “dirty money” and return it to its rightful owners: the American people. So now there was enough cash in the federal coffers to pay for socialized medicine, free abortions, gay marriages and unionized fair-trade marijuana farms throughout the country.
Noticing that Newt had quickly carved something into the cafeteria wall with a pen knife before happily scurrying off like a little school boy screaming, “I get a rush from Rush,” Marie and Val went over to have a look. It was a hastily etched heart with an arrow threw it and two sets of initials inside.
“NG + RL,” Marie read out loud. “Val, do you think…”
“Who cares?” Val chucked as they both smiled.
Mission accomplished, Val and Marie drove off from the capitol in the Music Maverick, a trail of happy republicans waving them off. They then made one last stop in the secret redwood forest to say goodbye to President Obama, and so triumphantly returned to Miami in preparation of their upcoming 8pm to 11pm, April 4th Music Land show at Your Big Picture Café – you know, the place with free admission and great pizza.
To see our real life folk and acoustic super hero Valerie C. WiseCracker in action as she tries to save a significant piece of South Florida history, go to: