Welcome back dear readers to Episode Two of Diane Ward In Outer Space!
To read episode one, please go to:
Now for episode 2.
As the scene opens, we find Diane and her co-pilot, David Bowie, hurtling through space in their Aaron Rents Atlas Rocket aptly nick named the Music Missile. They are on a mission to find the Final Note Diane needs to complete the music set for her upcoming 8pm to 11pm February 7th show at Your Big Picture Café (you know, the place with free admission and great pizza!).
On this fine morning in outer space, Diane and David are doing usual astronaut stuff like song writing and choral singing as Diane patiently endures hour after hour of David yammering on about his old love relationships (“Mick this.., Mick that…, blah, blah, blah.”).
Suddenly an alarm sounds from the Music Missile’s driver’s dashboard that’s luxuriously appointed with Corinthian leather and comes equipped with a bobble head saint which looks strangely like Ricardo Montalban. David rushes to the controls and shouts out, “Look Diane, over there on the visual horizon. What’s that?”
Diane peers out through the Music Missile’s windshield and replies, “Why it looks like a giant space craft that’s shaped like a cross.”
And indeed dear readers, it was a giant space ship, and it was shaped just like a giant cross. As the humongous, galactic monstrosity loomed closer dwarfing the Music Missile, David asked, “What’s it say on the side? I can’t quite make it out.”
Diane squinted as the planet sized cross edged up to within just a few hundred feet of the Music Missile before stopping. “J-E-W-I-S,” Diane stated as she spelled out the word. “But shouldn’t it be Jewish?”
“On a cross?” David asked.
“Well, we know at least one was,” Diane clarified straight faced.
“True,” David responded, engaging the Music Missiles’ parking brake as a safety precaution. Then he quickly added, “Hey, look Diane, they’ve turned on their air lock’s green light. They want you to come over.”
“Me?” Diane proclaimed, “why just me? Why not us?”
“Look,” David stated, “this is union work for me. I’m just here to song write, choral sing and whine about Mick. If you’ve got a beef with that, then talk to the shop boss when we get back. In the meantime, you’re the one who’s looking for the Final Note. Right?”
“Okay,” Diane acquiesced, and then she dashed off to don her Buzz Lightyear-ette space suit – size 4&3/4. Equipped with her three horsepower Briggs and Stratton jet pack which she got on sale at Burdines just two days before liftoff, Diane then jettisoned over to the nearby behemoth.
David watched anxiously as she disappeared inside their next door neighbor’s ship. What would he do if something happened to her? Who would listen to his incessant ramblings about his old relationships? Certainly not the automatic pilot, for it would now shut everything off whenever it sensed him beginning one of his never ending love stories.
Suddenly, David’s worries were allayed as the air lock on the JEWIS spacecraft opened and Diane started her trip back to the Music Missile with a long line of boxes tethered behind her. David rushed to their air lock chamber below, and helping Diane remove her Buzz Lightyear-ette space suit – size 4&3/4 – he asked, “Was everything okay?”
“Yes,” said Diane reassuringly, “everything went fine and they were very nice.”
“Did you ask them about that typo on the side of their ship – the missing ‘H’?” David inquired.
“No,” Diane stated, “that’s not a typo at all.”
“No?” pondered David out loud, “but they’re Jewish, aren’t they?”
“Not at all,” explained Diane, “they’re JEWIS – Jehovah Evangelical Witnesses In Space.”
“Oh,” said David surprised, “then what’s in all these boxes you brought back?”
“Pamphlets, of course,” said Diane.
Diane and David stood there silently for a moment knowingly nodding at one another. Then David asked, “And what about the Final Note? Were they of any help with that?”
“They said that they had recently encountered the burned-out remains of an old, mythical music ship called The Woodstock,” Diane told him. “It seems it once held the Final Note, but by the looks of the damage to its hull, that they had been attacked by hostile Ugliamites from the planet Ugliama. So, that’s probably where the Final Note is being held and where we need to go!”
“Alright then,” David proclaimed, “we’re off. Automatic pilot, set coordinates for Ugliama!”
“Are you serious?” inquired the deep, bored, mechanical voice of the automatic pilot, “or is this just a ruse for you to start telling me one of your tedious relationship stories?”
“No, no,” David reassured the automatic pilot. “I just need you to execute a course for us toward Ugliama. But if you’re interested, I can tell you all about the time Rod Stewart and I…”
Suddenly, all the lights on the Musical Missile went out and everything fell silent as it hurtled off on its new coordinates toward the distant, forbidden planet of Ugliama.
So once again dear readers, stay tuned until next week’s episode of (cue dramatic trumpet blasts – DAH, DAH, DAH, DAAAHHH) Diane Ward in Outer Space!